Carry on.

So this comes about as a result of a match I’m part of this week. It’s a tag team affair, and of the four handlers who’re involved I’m the only one who never held the world championship from the place we all came from, the National Wrestling Council. To take it a step further, I never even contended for it, nor have I ever held a tier 1 championship in any federation I’ve been part of. This means I’ve put a fair amount of pressure on myself to see if not only could I compete on the level of these guys, but perhaps even go beyond that and eek out a W.

For a while I just sort of resigned myself to the idea that I’m not ever going to be “that guy”, the one who’s all high-profile and whatever. Now, I don’t really know. Maybe? Maybe not? I hate saying “only time will tell”, because it’s (1) a cliched expression that just annoys me, and (2) I’m riotously impatient.

I’m rambling. I do that. You’ll get over it (or you’ll navigate away).

Anyway, yeah, the whole plan behind this entry was to list a series of very over-the-top, self-important goals that I have. So, in no particular order, here we go…

1.) To win a tier 1 championship with my current character. I’ve been writing for this guy for close to ten years now, and he’s special to me in that even when I wasn’t writing about him I was daydreaming about him. He’s due. So am I. There are a LOT of talented people in the circle I run with, so this isn’t going to be a cakewalk, and it shouldn’t be. I’d almost be pissed if it was, for the same reason I wouldn’t really have wanted to hold the NCW:A title before the council “closed” (anyone who was anyone had left by then, and the region awarded a world title shot to a fed jobber).

2.) To be the guy who people want to do stuff with. I have a rule, and it comes from being outside the cool kids circles in the NWC… If anyone — ANYONE — wants to do something with me on a show, in a segment, or whatever, I’ll do it. Doesn’t matter how silly it is (I like silly, I do silly well). Doesn’t matter if it involves putting over someone who wouldn’t ever dream of returning the favor. You call the spot, and I’m in.

I guess given all that it may be a little confusing as to what exactly this goal is about. I mean long-term. I’m talking about “hey, I have this idea that you’d be perfect for, and it’s going to run X months or until we get sick of it.” I want to be that guy.

3.) To make people understand that I can do more than just be funny. I think this one is kind of self-explanatory, and maybe it’s not true, but in my head I feel like I have this stigma of being a complete goof. Like I said, I am a complete goof. I write funny stuff (I hope). It’s kind of what I’m known for, but I don’t want to be pigeonholed.

4.) I want people to be scared of me. I realize how this sounds, and I’m okay with that. I’m not a guy who people think “I have no idea what I’m going to do against him“. If I am, it’d be a fucking shock. (I should note that I do have an ego, I just try to downplay it so it doesn’t get obnoxious.) Even if it’s only for a little while, and then it goes away, I would very much like to know what this feels like.

So that’s the first four. I might think of some others to add at a later date, but those are the big ones that stick out in my mind.

You can all start laughing at me whenever you’re ready.

I was thinking about this the other day: a fair amount of real professional wrestlers (if such a thing actually exists, kind of an oxymoron that) have what you’d call a “signature match” used in big events or to culminate a feud. The Undertaker has the “last ride match” and the “casket match”. Abyss has “monster’s ball”. Those jumpy dudes in TNA have the “ultimate X match”. Triple H has the “bury a new guy while putting myself over regardless of what’s good for the company… er… match”. New Jack had the “try to kill my opponent for real match”. The list goes on. (Actually it doesn’t, and even if those last two aren’t real they should be. God knows they happen often enough.)

I figure it’s time to give my character his own signature match.

Now here’s the kicker. The guy that I’ve been writing about for a third of my life is kind of an eccentric weirdo, probably because I’m a – big spoilers here folks – eccentric weirdo. His current incarnation involves wearing a mask and parading around as “King Blueberry”, which is exactly what it sounds like. The problem is that I can’t just give that persona a speciality match, or a gimmick match as it’s sometimes called, because it also has to extend to the underlying character. Therefore, anything fruit-related is immediately chucked out the friggin’ window. No pie matches. No fruit-on-a-pole matches (even if they’ve been done before). This is why I’m creating what I call “The Bounce House Brawl”.

We’ve all seen bounce houses, those colorful inflatable structures that shoeless kids jump around in. They used to be something you’d only see at an amusement park or when the carnival came to town, but now you can rent one at just about any party supply outlet. So, increased availability means a wrestling promotion would be able to get their hands one – a really big one, without much fuss.

Here’s the premise: you surround the ring on all sides with a massive bounce house, complete with a dome and the shitty mesh netting they use to keep the kids inside. You add in some bounce house-related items, like a few pairs of oversized boxing gloves, and maybe some padded jousting sticks, and you’re good to go. Because pro wrestlers have soft soles on their shoes anyway (or at least, nothing that could damage the bounce house) you don’t need to make them go in barefoot. Because you don’t want the bounce house to pop, and have the air leak out, you ban chairs, tables, ladders, and all that other metal and wood junk from ringside. The match only ends via pinfall or submission. Anyone who voluntarily leaves the bounce house is disqualified, however you’re more than within your rights to use the force of the bounce house to forcibly eject someone.

The way I see it, it’s only a matter of time before this idea catches on, and everyone is using bounce houses. (Okay, not really, but don’t take away my dreams!)

Look at his hat. It is obviously designed to assist in breaking the surface tension on a body of water, in this case an Olympic sized swimming pool. The pope dives in, aquadynamically assisted by his tapered cap, and then hauls ass across the lanes like the righteous dolphin that he is.

This also explains the church’s fascination with holy water. The water you find in a church hasn’t been blessed as much as run through His Holy Brita Filtration System. Using a super-concetrated cholorine blend they’re able to not only kill any microbial infestations but also cleanse the water of sin. Popes through history have been known to squint. This is not from glare, or fading eyesight, but instead is a result of the chlorine mix they use in the pools. That shit stings.

Have you ever seen the pope outside of his robes? Of course not. The pope reps his team colors like a champion.

Think of it this way. We have a college of cardinals, which is really the varsity squad of the Vatican Swim Team, and every now and again they congregate to elect a new captain. They have only one letter player, but instead of a patch for his jacket the dude gets his own custom ride: throne, bullet-resistant glass, private driver, the works. That’s one hell of a team bus.

Technomicon Banner Graphic

So I’ve been playing with Photoshop a little bit today, and lo and behold what do I make but this handy-dandy little banner above. It’s not terrible for a first time, and I did use a few kickass brush packages that I found on the ‘net for technical-type brushes (credit to ~ak-productions and ~z-design for those, find both on deviantart.com).

I’m such a Photoshop newb.

And also we closed on the house on Friday, and started working on it over the weekend.

Click the link. Don’t make me destroy you. It would be unfortunate if I had to leave a garrison here.

Every day is just another swell on the cascading wave of fuck.

That link right there is serious business. It’s the Imperial March played on a floppy disk. Also, if you’re not following “Italian Spiderman” each week on Youtube then there is something seriously wrong with you.

In completely unrelated news, I’m heading to Wakefield again tomorrow night to smash elves into the red zone. Hopefully this week will be a little bit better than last. One of the matches I played in was misreported, and of course it happened to be the only one I won. I am therefore officially trying to redeem an “0-3″ week tomorrow even though it should have been a “1-2″ week.

I also made some changes to the deck. Terrors are out and Nameless Inversions are in. I also cut both Garruk and a Wayfinder for three Slaughter Pact. I did this in part because I wanted to boost Tarmogoyf while still having answers to guys like Magus. I also gave the board a huge overhaul, based on what I saw last week. Squall Lines are up to four, Cloudthreshers are down to one, and moved both Garruks to the board.

I’m considering building Project 420.5n for next week. The only things I’m really missing are the Gargadons, the Firespouts, three Glittering Wish, some land (Grove, Thicket, etc.), and the Guttural Responses. All of which I’m sure I can pick up on the easy.