So as some of you are no doubt aware, for the last 12 years I’ve taken part in an online collaborative writing game centered around sports entertainment. In reality, that’s just a fancy name for “fantasy wrestling” or “e-wrestling”. I figure it’s probably better to get this out of the way now, that way if this sort of thing doesn’t interest you than you can just skip over the cut that’s going to show up right… about… NOW!

I was thinking about this the other day: a fair amount of real professional wrestlers (if such a thing actually exists, kind of an oxymoron that) have what you’d call a “signature match” used in big events or to culminate a feud. The Undertaker has the “last ride match” and the “casket match”. Abyss has “monster’s ball”. Those jumpy dudes in TNA have the “ultimate X match”. Triple H has the “bury a new guy while putting myself over regardless of what’s good for the company… er… match”. New Jack had the “try to kill my opponent for real match”. The list goes on. (Actually it doesn’t, and even if those last two aren’t real they should be. God knows they happen often enough.)

I figure it’s time to give my character his own signature match.

Now here’s the kicker. The guy that I’ve been writing about for a third of my life is kind of an eccentric weirdo, probably because I’m a – big spoilers here folks – eccentric weirdo. His current incarnation involves wearing a mask and parading around as “King Blueberry”, which is exactly what it sounds like. The problem is that I can’t just give that persona a speciality match, or a gimmick match as it’s sometimes called, because it also has to extend to the underlying character. Therefore, anything fruit-related is immediately chucked out the friggin’ window. No pie matches. No fruit-on-a-pole matches (even if they’ve been done before). This is why I’m creating what I call “The Bounce House Brawl”.

We’ve all seen bounce houses, those colorful inflatable structures that shoeless kids jump around in. They used to be something you’d only see at an amusement park or when the carnival came to town, but now you can rent one at just about any party supply outlet. So, increased availability means a wrestling promotion would be able to get their hands one – a really big one, without much fuss.

Here’s the premise: you surround the ring on all sides with a massive bounce house, complete with a dome and the shitty mesh netting they use to keep the kids inside. You add in some bounce house-related items, like a few pairs of oversized boxing gloves, and maybe some padded jousting sticks, and you’re good to go. Because pro wrestlers have soft soles on their shoes anyway (or at least, nothing that could damage the bounce house) you don’t need to make them go in barefoot. Because you don’t want the bounce house to pop, and have the air leak out, you ban chairs, tables, ladders, and all that other metal and wood junk from ringside. The match only ends via pinfall or submission. Anyone who voluntarily leaves the bounce house is disqualified, however you’re more than within your rights to use the force of the bounce house to forcibly eject someone.

The way I see it, it’s only a matter of time before this idea catches on, and everyone is using bounce houses. (Okay, not really, but don’t take away my dreams!)