So I started thinking about it, seriously thinking about it (which is terrifying in its own special way), and have come to the conclusion that the pope is the captain of the Vatican Swim Team.

Look at his hat. It is obviously designed to assist in breaking the surface tension on a body of water, in this case an Olympic sized swimming pool. The pope dives in, aquadynamically assisted by his tapered cap, and then hauls ass across the lanes like the righteous dolphin that he is.

This also explains the church’s fascination with holy water. The water you find in a church hasn’t been blessed as much as run through His Holy Brita Filtration System. Using a super-concetrated cholorine blend they’re able to not only kill any microbial infestations but also cleanse the water of sin. Popes through history have been known to squint. This is not from glare, or fading eyesight, but instead is a result of the chlorine mix they use in the pools. That shit stings.

Have you ever seen the pope outside of his robes? Of course not. The pope reps his team colors like a champion.

Think of it this way. We have a college of cardinals, which is really the varsity squad of the Vatican Swim Team, and every now and again they congregate to elect a new captain. They have only one letter player, but instead of a patch for his jacket the dude gets his own custom ride: throne, bullet-resistant glass, private driver, the works. That’s one hell of a team bus.